Confessions of a Broken Heart (Tenant to Landlord).

Oh, Kapa. You've been such a good realtor. I couldn't ask for a better landlord. You don't bring strangers over and when we have ants you send the trusty Hispanic fellow to take care of them. I love that guy. He'll just pop right over when we're sleeping and open our bedroom doors just to say hola. I can't understand what else he says, but he's adorable. He even fixed the shower curtain rod when I knocked it out of the wall!

So, Kapa, I'm upset. I'm hurt. I thought we had a good relationship. Until I got your letter last night.

Now, come on, Kapa. I'm a good tenant. I always pay my rent on time. Always. Except for one time. But hey, it was March first! February had JUST ended. You know how February is a short month - it just flies right by and all of a sudden, it's March! Whoa, were we having too much fun?! It must have been that crazy Valentine's Day evening where I sat at home by myself watching Equus and wanting to die. Yup, I had so much fun that the next thing I knew, it was March fifth and our rent check was due the next day.

Luckily, you have the whole deal where I could drop the rent off at the office and still be in the clear. Oh, Kapa! I'd love to stop by and visit you. Of course, I got there after hours and, to my surprise, you don't have a slot in the door! How can I send you love notes in the mail if you don't even have a mail slot! Oh, you! Always playing hard to get.

So my only other choice was to drop the check in the mail. And please, Kapa, please see the irony in the location of the mailbox being at the corner just a few doors down from you. I thought you would. I thought you'd be tickled! I thought to myself, "Oh, that Kapa is going to laugh when she hears this one!"

Now, Kapa, you've been good to me. I love that it takes you two weeks to cash my checks. That's quite a nice gesture. But really, did you have to charge me a one-hundred-and-five-dollar late fee? I mean, it was just one day late, and it was the first time in six months I'd been tardy. I'm sorry!

So, if this is how it's going to be, then so be it. I'll send you your one hundred and five dollars, but I'm through. It's all give, give, give with you these days, Kapa, and I'm hurt. You cut me deep there, Kapa. You cut me deep.

Also, we have ants again, so you better take care of those little fuckers.