I have dreams where I'm pregnant. Give me your goddamned seat, lady.

Anyone who reads the Missed Connections section on Craigslist knows that occasionally people write posts where they bitch and spew out pseudo-racist and -sexist comments, sparking more and more posts written in retaliation to the original posts, the later posts, and so on and so forth (I can't believe I just used "so on and so forth," but I'm leaving it in there anyway).

As a big fan of the Missed Connections and someone who aspires to have one written about them, I still read the website every day. And those stupid, poorly-written, weakly-argued posts about how women hate Mexicans who talk to them really piss me off. There's a section called Rants and Raves, and that's the forum for all of your debates on the Lincoln Park Chad and Trixies.

Last night, after getting home from drinking a fair share of PBR at the Empty Bottle, I came upstairs and checked Missed Connections in the hopes that I would find one that read, "You looked so dashingly handsome in your tan London Fog windbreaker. Your short read hair is adorable. I really wanted to pull you into the photo booth and make out with you." Obviously, I didn't find that post, but I did see one with the headline, "To all the men on the brown, red, and purples [sic] lines - w4m - 22." I thought, "I RIDE THE BROWN AND RED LINES THIS MUCH BE ABOUT MEEEEE," and opened up the post. Unfortunately, this is what it said:

I just have to say THANK YOU to all the gentlemen out there who wait for the ladies to board the train first and always offer up their seats to us. You have manners and I appreciate that!

To all you slumbags that have no manners and push in front of us and grab the seats on an overcrowded train, SHAME ON YOU! You'll never have to bear children, wear heels, deal with tampons and a cramping uterus, and get shorted on your pay check just because you are a woman.

It may be 2006, but unfortunately it is still a man's world and the ladies deserve a break - or a seat on the train at the very least.

Oh no she di'n't.

So, with my body full of liquid encouragement and my mind full of embittered rage, I wrote a reply.

So are you basically saying that, as a woman, you admit to being the weaker sex? (Wo)Man, you have to deal with tampons? Oh, that sucks. You definitely deserve to sit down more than me.

I love how, as a man, I'm automatically the bad guy. I mean, I may claim to be a feminist (because the term not only applies to women) who believes in equal rights for everyone, regardless of gender, but I shouldn't be able to sit down on the Brown Line? Look, HONEY, my knees quake just as much as yours, and just because I have a penis doesn't mean I'm any stronger than you and can take a thirty minute ride standing up.

(And seriously, I hate the rants/raves posts disguised as missed connections as much as the next guy/gal, but COME ON. If I want to sit down, I'm going to sit down, and the last time I checked, the CTA only wishes that we give up our seats to those with disabilities, and (also, the last time I checked) menstruation does not count as one. So DEAL WITH IT.)

Granted, I was playing Devil's Advocate quite a bit here because I consider myself to be one of those polite people who opens doors for everyone and, if someone else is standing in front of an open seat, I'm not going to knock them down to sit there. But seriously, I hate this Trixie brand of feminism that makes women think that men are shit because we don't ovulate. You think you have to deal with pregnancy? I've had three - three! - dreams where I'm pregnant in the last six months. If that doesn't give me the right to sit down wherever I want, I don't know what does.

I woke up this morning feeling like a dirty bomb had detonated inside my head, and then remembered about writing the post. Expecting there to be about eight other posts written by angry women about how I'm horrible, I was excited to find only one, indeed written by a woman, who seemed to agree with me.

To the OP: I'm a 22 year old female who commutes on the red/brown line trains a good portion of the day and whereas it's quite polite for ANYONE to give up their seat on the train... I think you need to get over it. You're 22 and you need to sit down for the duration of your train ride? I find this hard to believe. You, my dear, are lazy. Quit complaining and get on a less crowded section of the train if your bloated, tampon-laden body needs a seat

No one should ever be obligated to give up their seat on a train for you unless you are crippled, elderly, or carrying 85 pounds of something. If you want to be treated equally, quit screaming about your differences.

And quit complaining about your tiny paycheck. I don't know what your job is, but you obviously are bad at it, because I'm a full-time student and I make $30k+ a year at my part time job. Yes, PART TIME job.

I love how the author of the third post is a full-time student with a part-time job that pays over thirty-thousand. She's obviously a stripper. Hey, whatever pays the bills!