Steve Jobs is going to hear about this.

I have a bad track record with computers. I can break any computer, really. I remember when we first got a computer. It was a Gateway and I was in ninth grade (yes, I was that old - keep in mind that we didn't get the Internet for another two years and even then my parents refused to give me the password). Gateways, at the time, were the Shit. Remember those boxes with the cow print? Oh, man, was that tiiite. Then everyone bought Gateways and suddenly everyone's computer was a piece of shit, including ours, which my parents kept for another two years after we had less than a gigabyte of memory left on the hard drive.

When I got to college, I got a Dell. Dells! Woo! Dude! Dells! They're black, not white! Dells are the Shit for realz! Plus, I had like eight million gigs of memory (more like thirty gigs, but compared to the Gateway's four, it was amazing). Plus, I could get on the internet and download things whenever I wanted. I could actually install computer programs. That was hot.

Then the Dell started to break and all of a sudden everyone was like, "Ew, Dells are horrible computers." Everyone who bought their Dell during freshman year were suddenly carting that heavy box to the campus computer center, praying they could remove the spyware and Limewire and get it fixed. We were all told that we were idiots because we were using Windows 98. Ew! Windows 98?! What were we thinking?! Must. Get. Windows. XP. Our problems will be solved!

Then we all went and upgraded our operating systems to XP. Our computers did work. For a month. Then we were back to pounding CTRL+ALT+DELETE forty times before our computers responded. And those blue screens! Ugh! Blue screens! What could we do?!

Well, the obvious answer was to spend our graduation money on Macs. Remember Macs? We used to play Reader Rabbit on them in first grade back when they were called Apples. Plus, the same people make iPods! Oh shit! iPods never break! MacMacMacMacMacMac! They're white, not black! They come with free Apple stickers that we can put on our cars! Safari! Firewire! Let's put a lowercase I in front of every noun! MAC!

Well, now my lovely Mac has decided that it, like every computer I've had before, hates me. Sure, I can't get viruses, but I would like my computer to function. For example, WHY is my battery power decreasing when I have the computer plugged in and the "You are charging your computer right now, don't worry!" icon is up at the top of my screen, right next to the percentage that is telling me, "You have two minutes left before your computer dies. Stop listening to your iTunes."

Sometimes, out of the blue, my computer will think, "Hey, I don't really want to display anything on my screen right now. I'm going to go black." I don't know if I offended it when I Googled pictures of Peter Sarsgaard to leave as MySpace comments of if it really didn't want me to find out who will be in the film version of Dallas. I'm sorry, Mac, but I can't actually shut you down properly if I can't tell where my touch pad is navigating.

And iPhoto? Don't get me started. Don't even get me started. Can we think of a better way to store my photos? I mean, do we ever remember the specific date when we snapped "Drunk Picture Number 123"? No. We don't. We don't even remember where we were when we took that picture, so how the hell would I remember what month it was?

Oh shit, I'm on zero percent now. Gotta run!