Too Much Awesome: Across the Pooniverse.

Here's my confession: I am aware I willingly experience things I consciously experience things I know I will hate. But most of the time, there's a part of me that wants to give the benefit of the doubt, and I think, "Maybe I won't hate every thing about this crappy thing in which I am about to experience." That is what I was thinking on Saturday when I went to see Across the Universe. Also, I had had two margaritas. And some vodka.

Anyway, here's my review. I'll let you know now that if you're planning to see the movie and don't want to read any spoilers, stop now, although I find it very hard to believe that anything I say can spoil it for you, since THE DUMBEST FUCKING MOVIE EVER PRODUCED CAN DO IT VERY WELL ON ITS OWN.

The movie starts with this dude, Jude (get it?), who hails from Liverpool (get it?) as he sings, ~~"There was a boy, a very enchanted boy... blah blah blah the greatest thing you've ever learn..."~~ Oh wait, sorry, wrong movie. But you know, it was kinda like that. Anyway, JUDE goes to America to find his father who is a janitor at Princeton which is a bummer until he meets Max, short for Maxwell (get it?), a son of privilege who doesn't really go to class and gets high a lot instead. Max takes Jude home for Thanksgiving to meet his family and his sister, Lucy (get it?), whom Jude immediately falls for. Then Max announces he's dropping out of college. And then they go bowling and dance for a bit and then go to New York. Obviously.

And let me just get the rest of out the way: There's Sadie (get it?), who is basically Janis Joplin, and JoJo (I just got it: a reference to "Get Back"), the Jimi Hendrix character. Oh, and there's Prudence (get it?), the Asian lesbian from Iowa who comes into a scene randomly from a bathroom window (get it?). Now, I can understand an Iowan lesbian, but an Asian one? That seems like we're hitting a lot of avian minorities with one very large stone. Also, the cast sings "Dear Prudence" when she locks herself in a closet. Literally in a closet.

Oh, but maybe you're saying to yourself, "Tyler, of course it's going to be contrived! It's a musical film that's based on the ridiculous idea of stringing together Beatles songs in an unrelated fashion! But Julie Taymor directed it! And it looks so pretty!" Well, I just have this as a response:

THEY ARE SINGING "SHE'S SO HEAVY" WHILE CARRYING THE STATUE OF LIBERTY ON A VIETNAM SET.

I'm going to repeat that: THEY ARE SINGING "SHE'S SO HEAVY" WHILE CARRYING THE STATUE OF LIBERTY ON A VIETNAM SET.

I think the most offensive thing about the movie is that, while it is basically a shorter, musical version of the TV miniseries The '60s, which tried to explain to my generation what it was like way back then, it focuses entirely on the white kids who "changed the world," or at least shouted "Revolution!" enough to get their classes at Columbia and Berkeley canceled. I've never held the counterculture of that time period in high regard, basically because I don't think it was very productive. Also, the people telling us that it was are just those rich white kids who are now rich white adults with a lot of money invested in the entertainment industry. Also, Dennis Hopper is a Republican. I think that speaks a lot about that generation. Anyway, because it's the '60s and there was that whole Civil Rights Movement thing, Julie Taymor obviously had to touch on it, you know? So she resolves that whole thing in two scenes that take place while the cast sings "Let it Be." And those scenes depict a young black kid, first in the middle of a race riot and then dead.

Whoaaa, bummer, dude! Let's switch it to LSD, and Bono.

Problem solved.

Seriously, you guys, this movie was so bad it turned me into a Republican. I've never seen a movie about Vietnam where I was excited for the draft, if only for the chance that the male characters would die. And not even five Salma Hayeks could save this piece of trash for me.