Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Off the charts!


Last night, in The Essay:

The Satyr Guy showed up without a beard. (I was hoping for a toga at minimum, but the only costume-y thing I got was a fedora, perhaps a nod to Jack Abramoff? I already know he's very liberal, so I was hoping it was ironic, even though he's probably just some d-bag who wears fedoras.) Dr. Asshat (née Dr. Less Crazy) asked him if he shaved for Halloween, and, I swear to God, this is how he answered:

"No... I blew a .065 even though the legal limit is .008. I 'failed' one of the 'field sobriety' tests because it was really cold and I was wearing sandals and I have really bad depth perception so they booked me anyway. I have to go to court tomorrow so I thought this would look better."

[Note to Satyr: perhaps not speaking would be your best defense.]

Dr. Asshat then took the opportunity to proclaim all cops are crooked and racist and admitted that the only time he was arrested was "for a free speech thing" when he called a cop a pig.

THEN (because the douchebaggery can't just end there), Dr. AH decides that since we were reading H. L. Mencken for class, he'd share some passages from "The Sahara of the Bozart," which is the essay where Mencken calls the south a desert of culture and literary merit. (This is also the essay that sparked the Southern Renaissance in literature, by the way). Dr. AH is, in fact, from Richmond (we've already established our Tidewater Virginia roots), so I was hoping there'd be a Southerner at DePaul on my side. Ha! What an idea!

Instead he says to me, "Tyler, do you know what a 'cracker' is?"


Dr. AH told the rest of the class that he grew up in Virginia but would never live there again because "the place has been taken over by crackers." He also loves driving back to visit because Lincoln is on his license plates. (For those of you who aren't aware, people in Illinois get big boners over Lincoln since he was, apparently, the only really good thing to come out of the state until Ditka and Jordan.)

Two for two, y'all. Two for two.


bex said...

ha ha ha ha haha haha ha hahaahahahaha

Broady said...

I would love to hear AH's definition of a "cracker." His fantasy to ride through VA with a Lincoln license plate to hog all the glory from the crackers is too funny. Most people these days would be pressed to evenrecognize Lincoln, much less put him into an accurate historical context. Can't believe they let this guy teach a graduate level course. A serious dummy, there.

Tyler said...

Asshat is the PROGRAM DIRECTOR of the MASTER OF ARTS IN WRITING. He chose HIMSELF to teach this class.

gutenmegan said...

they may have lincoln, but don't we have at least six other presidents?

Anonymous said...

six other cracker presidents, don't forget that key term.

Anonymous said...

stop saying Asshat.