Story of my life.

Siigh.

I temped today at the Merchandise Mart attaching invoices to contracts. Or something like that. I dunno, I just did as I was told. The first project took me two and a half hours. It was easy, it shouldn't have taken longer, but the guy who I was temping for was surprised at how fast I was. Then I stuffed envelopes. Then I checked off business names when I found them in a directory. Uhh. I don't really know what I did, but I did it really quickly while everyone in the office kinda chatted and didn't work much. Which makes sense, because I had no one to talk to, so I couldn't really procrastinate like everyone else could. So I finished my work in seven hours, and I was supposed to temp there for two days.

So, I don't get to work tomorrow like I thought.

What the fuck? I work really really hard and now I'm out of work again! Grr. I wish I could explain this to potential employers. I wish I could tell them, "Hey, I'll kick the shit out of my job!"

This wouldn't be so frustrating if it wasn't the SECOND time this happened. The temp job I had before only lasted six hours when I was expecting it to last two days. Maybe people who order temps deliberately overshoot how long the positions will last because they expect temps to be, I don't know...functionally retarded? But I'm not retarded, so I can file papers pretty quickly because I know the alphabet.

It's frustrating. Especially since the people in that office were just a little dumb. I'm not just saying this, either. I could have done their jobs. They were any smarter or more qualified than I was. Also, one of the girls went crazy over gummy bears, brilliantly summing up their existence with the following line: "Mmmm, I love gummy bears. They're like flavored rubber, they're SOOO GOOOOD."

But there's good news. Project Runway is back on and there are already a few people whose faces I want to kick in. I'm talking to you, Daniel Franco. Stop whining. If you spent as much time on your designs as you did on your stupid rockstar hair, you wouldn't have to remind everyone how you were cut from last season and made it back on.

Also, I want Tim Gunn to be my life coach.


Also, Heidi Klum is the hottest pregnant lady ever.

Mish mash mix 'em up!

I have good news: I pretty much have a job at Urban Outfitters. Here's the bad news: I don't have a job until Januaryish. Hmm.

When Kristin and I went into Urban Outfitters, there was a homeless man standing outside, who said, "Merry Christmas to the supermodel and her male-model brother." Why, thank you, Mr. Homeless Man!

My mom told me that she was reading "Dear Abbey" (?!?!) the other day, and someone wrote in urging job hunters to watch what they write in their blogs because they can easily search for them. It's author stated that employers don't want political activists, evangelicals, or perverts. The letter was signed "Chicago Employer."

Dear Chicago Employer,

Please hire me because I'm not a political activist, an evangelical Christian, or a pervert. I can also promise to never use your real name in my blog.

Today on the train I overheard the DUMBEST comment I've ever heard. I mean, this really is up there. This honestly could be number one if I was ever to rank the statements I've heard through eavesdropping*. There was this couple of young theater majors standing next to Kristin and me. The guy was talking about how he was going to open a theater in Miami and his strategies and stuff, blah blah blah. After a short silence between him and his female friend, he goes, "Hey, have you heard of this book series called 'The Chronicles of Narnia'?" When the girl said, "Yeeeah...I used to read them when I was little," he said, "Oh, I just heard about them last week."

WHAT?! Seriously, how does that happen? He didn't speak with an accent; I could have forgiven him - maybe - if he was foreign. But he had no excuse. He was just really dumb.




*Christina was lucky enough to actually overhear the dumbest comment ever. It was another theater major (go figure!) say: "I thought about trying out for 'The Glass Menagerie,' but I don't do accents."

I was just some dude.

Last night I had one of my top ten most uncomfortable nights of my life.

The one business person I know in Chicago suggested I go to a networking group to make contacts to help me on my job search. He suggested this back in August, and I avoided the group idea because, frankly, it scared the hell out of me. I'm supposed to go join a club and talk to strangers and ask them for job leads and contacts? Uh, no thank you. But since I have to find a job in a little more than a month before my parents completely cut me off, I got desperate and went to one last night.

So there I was, sitting in a church meeting room with crucifixes hanging on the wall and creepy framed paintings of Jesus everywhere. There were about ten other people. Yeah. Me and ten thirty-five to forty-five year old unemployed people. Well, there was one guy with a job who was there because he'd been laid off four times in ten years and loves to network to find his "next opportunity."

I felt like such a douchebag.

There was this speaker who worked as a recruiter for some fancy place in Chicago that would never hire me. He gave a presentation called "The Ten Most Important Questions to Address in Conducting a Successful Job Search." It was more of a self-help, empowering type of bullshit lecture than anything useful. What were the ten questions, you may be asking? Well, they were pretty goddamn revolutionary:

1. "Who are you?"
2. "What do you want?"
3. "Why do you want it?"
4. "What do you really like doing?"
5. "Why do you like doing it?"
6. "Where do you want to be five years from now? Ten years from now?"
7. "Where have you been--lately?"
8. "How are you going to get where you want to go?"
9. "What is driving you?"
10. "Where is your plan to get what you want?"

Uh, hello? Hi. I ask these questions every day and I don't know the fucking answers. Who am I? I'm an unemployed, 22-year-old, post-graduate. Go to hell!

He also gave advice on resumes, but geared toward everyone else's resume. Like, for example, don't limit your resume to just one page. Um, ask ANY college student or recent graduate how long their resume should be and they would tell you one page, because that's what we're constantly told. That's like telling a high school senior, "Don't worry, you don't always get pregnant or an STD when you have unprotected sex!"

I think the highlight of the night was me sitting there, quiet as a church mouse, avoiding the speaker's stares. He kept asking for volunteers to answer these important questions, and I refused to raise my hand. Of course, then he says, "Who would like to answer a really good interview-like question? You?" I said, "Suuuurrre..." And then he asked me, "What are some one-word adjectives you'd use to describe yourself?" Imagine me there, wishing I could sink into the couch so I could hide my beet-red face, stumbling over my words, only to come up with two adjectives: "hard-working" and "driven". Perhaps I should have said what everyone else was thinking: "nervous, young, fuck-up, loser."

Blah.

Holy Sheetz!

My life is weird.

I was going to write a post about how excited I am to go home for Christmas because I really miss going to Sheetz. For those of you pitiful people not in the know, Sheetz is only the best damn gas station EVER. You just have to make a special trip out to the East Coast to experience it, really. Anyway.

So I was googling pictures of Sheetz, and I actually found MY Sheetz: the Tappahannock location. (Now, I don't live in Tappahannock. Tappahannock isn't even in my county. It's just the closest town with a Wal-Mart and a Sheetz, so we go there. A lot.) So I was redirected to the Essex County page that was dedicated to the opening of the new Sheetz. The Sheetz has been there since June 2000, so I'm not sure why the Essex County website still has a page specifically for this one store, but considering it's Tappahannock, it's something to be proud of. Seriously.

Also, these pictures are fantastic, so I'm going to share them with you.


Yup. There's the Sheetz. Opening in one days.



I went to elementary through high school with both of those girls. I think the one in the left is Lateria. I can't really remember.



What a wonderful, wonderful day for Tappahanockans!



You may recognize the cop in the middle. That's Essex County Sheriff Stanley Clarke, who was featured in Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11. Michael Moore sent some people to small-town Tappahannock to interview its residents because the town's name was heard on an Al Qaeda videotape. I'm pretty sure that when asked why terrorists would choose Tappahannock as a target the sheriff said, "Well, we do have a Wal-Mart..."

(Also, the mother of my childhood best friend was also in the movie where she said, "You walk down the street and you see someone and you think, 'God - could they be a terrorist?'")

In Chicago-related news, I have an interview at another temp agency tomorrow. Not one of the creative-type agencies, however; they didn't get back to me.

It's snowing and it's pretty.

I'm wearing the softest pair of underwear I own, and they're bright red.

That's all I've got!

I'm a muse!

My friend at JMU said that she needed to write some poems for her creative writing class. I told her to write a poem about her vagina, and she totally delivered:


pink, brown, white, and peach

vaginas can be soft, slimy, and sweet!



stubbly, hairy, and even bald,

some vaginas might be called



a name, like perhaps Vajay

or maybe even as simple as Lay!



The smell they make is so distinct

Too often, yes, mine seems to stink.



like an old rotten fish left in the fridge

and thats when i know i gotta clean the bitch



so girls don't forget to treat your vaginas well

for fear a penis might think its hell



rather clean it up! make it a little pink heaven.

and welcome the penises! mine has seen seven.

This entry is not for people who don't like poop.

I've been kind of depressed since this weekend. I think it's mostly because I couldn't kick the massive hangover that lasted a day and a half. Also, my mother gave me a deadline for when she'd stop loaning me money, which means I have to support myself starting February first.

Today I applied for two jobs online, one at the Newberry Library and one at SmithBucklin. I also went to another Urban Outfitters job fair (this time at the House of Blues hotel, which was weird). The girl who interviewed me last time recognized me and found my other application, which she said meant that I'm on the list of people they are considering. Hopefully going back shows that I actually need and want the job. On the train ride home, I decided that I could be happy working there indefinitely. I'd get an awesome discount. Plus, applying to a store which asks what your music tastes are really appeals to me, especially since I know all the right answers.

I also found about two more temp agencies, and these specialize in creative types (not the Scrabble-club and people-with-babies agencies I'm currently registered with).

Today one of the cats, Sinatra, was walking around with a piece of shit dangling from her ass, and I didn't know what to do. So I did nothing. Well, I wouldn't let her sit on the furniture. And I also watched where I stepped. I dealt with enough shit yesterday. Figuratively and literally. I discovered that one of the cats had not only missed the litterbox, but also the downstairs toilet was clogged haaardcore. I don't even know who uses that toilet. I know it wasn't me. Anyways, enough of that.

I've downloaded some good music recently, including the new Cat Power, Lou Reed's Transformer, Jenny Lewis's solo album, and most of the songs from the soundtrack to The Squid and the Whale. I've been listening to them all day, so I've been much happier than I was this weekend.

Oh! Today I saw this guy who looked a lot like my gay Republican stalker and I got homesick for JMU and Carrier Library.

The microphone cut off so we're screaming at the top of our lungs.

Since my debaucherous rock-and-roll lifestyle is so exhausting, I don't really feel like writing up a complete recap of last night. I'll just write about the highlights.

Lindsay and I went to this party in Wicker Park thrown by these guys. The theme was "Daddy's Goodnight Blowjob." I swear to god. Boys were supposed to wear fake mustaches, girls have their hair in pigtails, and everyone were to be wearing pajamas. Of course I wasn't going to dress up. I was going to go, drink a bottle of cheap red wine, and dance.

I think the moment that made me happy was when I watched some barely-legal indie-rock boy try to dance to shitty house music in his tight green briefs, only to slip off of the stage and land on the floor.

I also saw people doing cocaine, which was a first.

Lindsay and I danced on the stage and some girl made a comment about my "Hey, That's My Bike" shirt. "Great shirt, terrible movie," she said. I found her later and talked to her. I made my first real friend in Chicago, even though it could only be just another MySpace buddy, but whatever. Our friendship began because of one of my cool-guy tshirts and that's all I've ever wanted in life.

Lindsay and I made friends with these two brothers who were running the coat check. One of them was wearing a gymnastic uniform (which he claimed to find in his roommate's closet). I asked him to do some moves and he wouldn't. Then I demanded that he do some moves (I think I'm pretty forceful when I'm drunk), and he DID. Fantastic.

Oh, and after drinking a bottle of Yellow Tail Cabernet, I drank two vodka and cranberries. Typical loser Tyler move. When I threw up on a gutter outside, some nice Hispanic man came up to me and said, "Are you okay, my friend?"

I kinda had fun, only because I was drunk and hoping that random things would happen. I don't know if I can handle another party like that, though. The scene is just too exhausting.

Guess who's coming to dinner?

Remember that scene in Annie Hall where Alvy eats dinner with the Halls in Chippewa Falls and there's the split-scene sequence where Annie's parents and Alvy's parents are at their respected dinner tables? That's kind of what my Thanksgiving was like.

Since I didn't get to go home, and because her large, extended family was coming to Chicago for the holiday, Julia invited me to eat dinner with her. It's just so fascinating to watch how other families interact, especially in a way that is completely different from your own. There were a lot of family members there, and they all kinda "hung out" before Thanksgiving in one of the suites of the hotel they were staying in. And hanging out basically meant sitting around and talking about stuff that my family would never talk about. I remember Julia's aunts and uncles talk about possible Democratic presidential nominees. They tried to help Julia's brother and cousin finish the New York Times crossword ("Who was the first president of the German Republic, again?"). Julia's uncle showed off his new Blackberry.

The whole time I tried to imagine the conversation going on at my parents' house where my mother's family was celebrating together. "So, does Keith like being the assistant manager at the Food Lion?" "Did you see that episode of ER last week?" It was just so weird to not hear NASCAR brought up over dinner. Instead, we had a faily intellegient conversation on newspaper comic strips.

My favorite part of Thanksgiving was seeing Julia's brother, Alex, again, who is competely fantastic. This will give you an idea what he's like: before dinner, Eric, Julia's boyfriend, and I were talking about Saul Bellow novels because he let me borrow Henderson the Rain King, which I'm reading now. After discussing Bellow left a lull in the conversation, Alex turns to me and says, "Have you read Jim Davis's Garfield Chews the Fat? I really think it's his best work."

You have to start somewhere.

My life goal right now is to be a talking head on a VH1 clip show within the next eight years.

Top 40 in 2005.

I listened to a lot of music this year. Also, I liked a lot of music this year. When I first thought about writing a top albums list, I was thinking I'd include maybe ten. But then when I realized how much awesome music was released this year, I first expanded it to fifteen (the top fifteen shown below). There were still so many albums, of course, that I thought deserved mention, so I threw in twenty-five others. If you haven't yet, listen to them. And thank you for humoring my idea that I can be a music critic for a day.


1. Sufjan Stevens – Illinois
This shouldn’t be a surprise, and it only needs a brief explanation. Epic in scope, Sufjan Stevens pulls from American history and literature and mixes in his own personal confessionals. Not only is this the best album of the year, it’s right up there with my favorite albums of all time.


2. Antony and the Johnsons – I Am A Bird Now
There’s a reason why a band full of American residents won the top British music award, beating out Coldplay, Kaiser Chiefs, and Bloc Party. Comparing Antony and the Johnsons to those bands is pretty silly. This album is beautiful, weird, and touching. It features some of the best guest appearances on one single album, including Rufus Wainwright, Lou Reed, Devendra Banhart, and Boy George.


3. The Fiery Furnaces – Rehearsing My Choir
The Fiery Furnaces are probably the most progressive musicians in music right now. This album was a major risk, and unfortunately it has mostly been a critical and commercial failure. But seriously, you have to appreciate the balls it took to create a concept focusing around your 83-year-old grandmother. This album is absolutely haunting, and anyone who can’t appreciate that is an idiot. There. I said it.


4. Belle & Sebastian – Push Barman To Open Old Wounds
Technically not an album rather than a gathering of Belle & Sebastian’s EPs released between their debut album and their last studio recording, Dear Catastrophe Waitress. This collection has some of their best songs, including “Lazy Line Painter Jane,” “This Is Just a Modern Rock Song,” “Take Your Carriage Clock and Shove It,” and “Marx and Engels.”


5. Broken Social Scene – Broken Social Scene
It’s hard to imagine an album on the level of You Forget in People, but Broken Social Scene did it. It’s just as bizarre and ass-kicking, but also more accessible to the non-indie masses. Featured on the album, again, is Leslie Feist, who is deservedly finding a following of her own as a solo artist.


6. Devendra Banhart – Cripple Crow
While Conor Oberst and Ryan Adams receive the most comparisons to Bob Dylan, Devendra Banhart is most like Leonard Cohen. He has a fantastic voice that carries through the seventy-five minute folk epic, invoking Cohen’s smooth vocal stylings as well as his poignant and witty lyrics.


7. Art Brut – Bang Bang Rock and Roll
The best garage-rock album of the year is also the most hilarious. Art Brut satirizes the hell out of a classic, yet repetitive, genre. “No more songs about sex, drugs, and rock and roll: it’s boring,” shouts lead vocalist (I just can’t call him a singer, just can’t!) Eddie Argos on the title track. This band might be the best British import of the year; I just hope their follow-up is as good.


8. The New Pornographers – Twin Cinema
The New Pornographers have always been good, but this album seems a little more mature and fine-tuned, especially with the inclusion of “The Bleeding Heart Show.” Plus, if put against Fleetwood Mac in a battle royale, Neko Case would totally kick Stevie Nicks’s ass.


10. The White Stripes – Get Behind Me Satan
The best thing about The White Stripes is that they are constantly evolving without discarding their sound. Their follow-up to Elephant is just as dark and bluesy, adding in more piano for good measure. Have a listen to “Passive Manipulation”; you’ll wish Meg White, who sounds like a modern-day Dusty Springfield, would pick up the microphone more often.


11. Junior Senior – Hey Hey My My Yo Yo
Technically, this album doesn’t appear in the United States until next year, but it’s one of my favorites of 2005 nonetheless. This record is going to prove that Junior Senior wasn’t a one hit wonder. It’s more of the same upbeat, disco-inspired craziness that was featured on their first album, only this time Le Tigre helps out on five separate songs. It’s lighthearted and a lot of fun.


12. Bright Eyes – I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning
Oh, Conor, why did you waste our time with that electronic shit when everyone knows you should stick to the folksy stuff? And hey, tell Emmylou and Maria I said hi.


13. Fiona Apple – Extraordinary Machine
I didn’t even know I liked Fiona Apple (well, other than “Criminal” and her cover of “Across the Universe”) until this album. This may have been the most talked-about mainstream album this year, with stories flying about how the record company snubbed her Jon Brion-produced cuts (or maybe they didn’t?). Anyway, the studio version is not bad, but it’s the Jon Brion version, leaked on the internet thanks to some Fiona-fan, that really shines. Just have a listen to “Not About Love”; Apple’s furious lyrics mixed with Brion’s string arrangements are absolutely beautiful, and it’s enough to make any Liz Phair fan wish that she’d come to her senses and work with Brion herself.


14. Ryan Adams & The Cardinals – Jacksonville City Nights
Whew. Ryan Adams is one prolific motherfucker. Jacksonville City Nights is the second collaboration with The Cardinals this year, and easily the better of the two albums. He’s also the Madonna of alt-country / indie rock, and while Madonna is going back to her dance-hall roots with her new album, Jacksonville City Nights is very reminiscent of Adams’s early work with Whiskeytown.


15. Liz Phair – Somebody’s Miracle
Give Liz Phair a break. Sure, she’s still got some kinks to work out with her choice of producers, but anyone who criticizes her recent career evolution is missing the point. Sure, she’s not making anything reminiscent of Exile in Guyville, but should she? She at least deserves kudos for making an album that is honest and, yes, enjoyable. Anything in the vein of Guyville would be completely dishonest and would (deservedly) earn her just as much negative press as 2003’s self-titled debacle(?) and the unfortunately titled Somebody’s Miracle. As soon as you get past the production and listen to the lyrics and vocals (especially on the opener, “Leap of Innocence”), you’ll realize it’s the same blow-job queen, just a little classier.

Honorable Mention:

Ryan Adams & The Cardinals - Cold Roses


Babyshambles – Down in Albion


Brendan Benson – The Alternative To Love


Black Lipstick – Sincerely, Black Lipstick


Black Mountain – Black Mountain


Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Howl


Clap Your Hands Say Yeah – Clap Your Hands Say Yeah


Death Cab For Cutie – Plans


Dressy Bessy – Electrified


Dungen – Ta Det Lungt


Feist - Let It Die


The Fiery Furnaces – EP


The Go! Team – Thunder Lightning Strike


Iron & Wine – Woman King [EP]


Iron & Wine and Calexico – In The Reins [EP]


Ben Lee – Awake Is The New Sleep


Magnolia Electric Co. – What Comes After the Blues


Aimee Mann – The Forgotten Arm


Matt Pond PA – Several Arrows Later


Matt Pond PA – Winter Songs [EP]


Sigur Ros – Takk


The Spinto Band – Nice and Nicely Done


Spoon – Gimme Fiction


Bruce Springsteen - Born To Run [Reissue]


Maria Taylor – 11:11


Voxtrot – Raised By Wolves [EP]