I hope you [dance].

Christina and I have this joke where we're really fake-angry at each other, one of us will say, "I hope you dance." This started when I kept telling her that I hoped she'd die, and she finally retorted with, "I HOPE YOU DANCE!"

It's all in jest with Christina, of course, but the list of people I legitimately hope will dance is growing.




Somewhat related: Adam and I had a big bro / little bro conversation this morning and I, for once, did not want him to dance. Excerpt:

Megan and I are terrible people.

If you apply for an internship at Megan's company, she will most likely make fun of you.

Megan: you know what i've decided?
Megan: foreign language majors shouldn't look for internship that don't require foreign languages
Megan: because if your only distinguishing skill is spanish? you're not very special
Megan: and if you say you're in a sorority
Megan: I'M GOING TO DELETE YOUR RESUME
me: i fully support you on that.
Megan: hahahaha
Megan: i feel like this is my one chance to really stick it people like that. even if they have no idea who i am
me: or even know at all.
Megan: exactly
Megan: i did write one girl back to tell her that her resume was too long
Megan: it's five pages, tyler
me: hahahahahahaha
Megan: tyler, this guy wrote that his "skills and abilities" include: Cataloguing and Pricing Rare Books
me: i wish i got to look at resumes all day
Megan: it's the best part of my day, i love it.
Megan: under "language": Italian- Intermediate, English- Mother tongue
me: sigh.
Megan: nobody cares where you studied abroad either. i know you think it makes you fancy. but everyone went to europe in college.
Megan: "Public Relations, MOEF GA GA, Lloret de Mar, Spain, summer 2007.
Talking to thousands of tourists, and bringing them to my disco with a minimum of ten tourists a night. Responsible for knowing the special deals of each night and be able to explain it in at least five languages."
Megan: tyler, i'm going to start crying i'm laughing so hard
me: i'm tempted to put ads on craigslist now just to read the resumes
Megan: i'm totally going to test this guy. let's see what disco-customer-sleuthing does for your editorial skills.
Megan: "I hereby apply to be considered for position with your organization. I am studying for the Master of Science in Journalism at Florida A&M University.My concentration is in print journalism."
me: "with sound mind, i want to state my desire to work for your company."
Megan: i hereby delete your resume
Megan: bwahaha

This just took place on GChat:

"That's exactly what lesbians say."

Occasionally, I have nutty GChat conversations with Katy. Sometimes the stuff she says is so fascinating that I want to share them with the world. To know Katy is to love her, but to read transcriptions of her instant messages is to look deeply into her soul.

Today, Katy got all sassy with me about my music tastes, which naturally evolved into a conversations about lesbians. With Katy, it always turns into a conversation about lesbians.


Katy: julia and i had an extensive conversation about who we hate more: john mayer or james blunt
me: oof, james blunt.
Katy: thats what she said
Katy: i tend to agree
me: john mayer at least had a mediocre career for a while that wasn't completely tragic
Katy: the sad thing is that anyone likes either of them
me: i liked his first album
Katy: ugh
me: it really spoke to me when i was 18
Katy: i have hated him since day 1
Katy: radiohead spoke to me when i was 18
me: this was also around the time dashboard confessional spoke to me, so give me a break
me: i was misled
Katy: you and my sister were kindred spirits
Katy: i forget you're of a younger generation than me
me: oh shut up, i'm a year younger
me: we're the same generation
me: liz phair was also speaking to me, and that one stuck
me: at least her first album did
Katy: how are you not a lesbian?
me: shut up, exile in guyville is not lesbian rock
Katy: yes it is!!
me: just because i listened to some indigo girls BRIEFLY does not make me a lesbian
me: NO
me: it is not lesbian
Katy: sigh
me: whitechocolatespaceegg MAYBE
me: exile in guyville transcends gender and sexuality
Katy: i dont even know because i never listened to it
me: it's about all of us, katy. it's about all of us.
Katy: thats exactly what lesbians say
me: i think you're a horrible person sometimes.
Katy: why?!
me: BECAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.
Katy: you cant take the heat, mister
Katy: i have never preferred female bands or singers anyway
me: that's because you hate women.
Katy: i like my mom
me: that's not a good argument
Katy: i had a roommate that was a lesbian and we were BFFs
Katy: and she was 35
me: what? you had a 35 year old roommate?
Katy: it was during an internship at the place i did therapeutic horsemanship, so we lived together for 3 months
me: how are YOU not a lesbian?
Katy: because i like to be pretty
me: lesbians like to be pretty
Katy: not hannah, my 35 yr old roommate
me: 35 year olds don't like to be pretty, katy.
Katy: angie harmon does
me: just when i think i'm winning, you pull out a law and order reference
Katy: thank you!
me: dick wolf runs your life.

"It's OK to say Merry Christmas to me!"

Occasionally, I have nutty GChat conversations with Katy. Sometimes the stuff she says is so fascinating that I want to share them with the world. To know Katy is to love her, but to read transcriptions of her instant messages is to look deeply into her soul.

This week, Katy and I discuss the War on Christmas and her cat's jealousy of her unborn child.





Katy: so i heard this ad on the radio that is for these pins you can order that say "it's ok to say merry christmas to me!"
me: are you going to get one?
Katy: no!
Katy: i say it to people regardless
me: good girl
me: you're on the right side of the war on christmas
Katy: i don't look jewish so there shouldn't be confusion
me: well, what if you were a convert, but weren't ethnically jewish?
Katy: hmm
me: i'd probably say it anyway, out of nostalgia
me: i don't have a problem with what people say to me
Katy: i don't either
me: hell, if someone at macy's told me to fuck off after i bought something, i'd be fine with that
i'd probably respect them more
Katy: lol
Katy: only at macys though
me: where else would i shop?!
Katy: american apparel!
me: american apparel is a big "fuck you" to me anyway
Katy: they would totally say it there

Katy: lily has been hinting to me that she wants me to declaw her
me: oh yeah? how so?
Katy: she was scratching the crib this morning
me: did she look like she was disgusted with her behavior?
Katy: no she was really smug
me: so how do you know she WANTS to be declawed?
Katy: because if she didn't she wouldn't scratch
me: you don't think she scratches because she enjoys her claws?
me: and the power?
Katy: maybe subconsciously
Katy: shes acting out because of the baby
me: do you think she's jealous because of not being the center of attention, or is she jealous because she can't have a baby of her own?
Katy: its probably both
me: she needs to go into therapy
Katy: ok, i'm convinced
me: i'll do it, if you want.
Katy: i try to talk to her but i think she needs outside help
me: katy, i broke her of her fear of sleeping in a bed with people
me: i was like, "lily, i am going to nap and you are going to cuddle with me. and you have to accept it."
Katy: i know, maybe that is what opened her floodgates
Katy: she doesn't fear anymore
Katy: she sleeps in the bed almost every night now
me: but isn't it comforting?
Katy: it is. it's adorable
me: sometimes, you have to take the good with the bad
Katy: i know...
me: like, accept her issues because she's adorable
me: i think you're the one who needs therapy, katy
Katy: i have been to therapy! i know how it works
me: but do you know that it DID work?
Katy: shove it
Katy: i am no longer destructive

And a bonus one-liner!
Katy: the guy looks like an ugly paul giamatti

"Write a blog about ingrown hairs."

Another new feature this week: Conversations with Katy.*




Occasionally, I have nutty GChat conversations with Katy. Sometimes the stuff she says is so fascinating that I want to share them with the world. To know Katy is to love her, but to read transcriptions of her instant messages is to look deeply into her soul

Our inaugural edition of Conversations with Katy is a long one about how how crazy things (cysts, hair, babies) grow inside our bodies. Read further and you just mind learn something!





me: i have a cyst on my neck

Katy: really?

me: yes

me: just a little ball

me: it's annoying

Katy: weird

Katy: where?

me: under my ear

me: it just popped up

Katy: when?

me: i thought it was a pimple

me: like, two weeks ago, maybe three

Katy: i have that too!

me: my mother used to get those on her head

me: she has one that's been there for years

Katy: mine went away actually

me: one time she said she brushed her hair and it popped out

Katy: weird

me: and bounced on the floor

Katy: WOW

Katy: that would be the best day of my life

me: OUR BODIES ARE SO STRANGE

Katy: i love it

me: i get excited when i have an ingrown hair

Katy: ME TOO!!!!

Katy: i seek them out

me: there's a sense of accomplishment when you get one out

me: like, "wow, that thing was IN ME?"

Katy: oh it is a huge satisfaction

Katy: i know, especially when you get a really long hair out

me: is that what it's like when you have a baby?

Katy: yeah except i know whats coming

Katy: and it will hurt

Katy: there is nothing better than barely pressing on an ingrown and a huge hair comes out

me: we're kindred spirits, katy.

Katy: there are many of us out there

me: i wonder if there's a chat room i can join

Katy: hmm, i bet there is

Katy: justin is the same way, and so is his sister

me: i just googled "ingrown hair fetish"

me: i don't really want to click the links

Katy: festish may not be the right word tyler

me: well, what is it? fascination?

Katy: obsession?

Katy: if you google fetish there will be trouble

Katy: write a blog about ingrown hairs
Katy: we need the peoples feedback

me: i may have to just copy and paste this whole conversation



*This is a direct rip-off of Erica's weekly Tuesdays with Jihone.

Burning bridges.

I'm in an unspoken fight with one of my temp agency recruiters. Basically, I don't like her very much because she's the one who told me my year's worth of office experience was for naught and that I should just give up my benefits and go back to temping. Her rationale was this: "It's summer! No one gets sick in the summer!" I wanted to shout, "But I'm depressed year-round! I then acted very unsatisfied when she called me about temp jobs that paid less than what I am making now. So, let's see, I should leave my shitty job to make less money and an equally shitty job so that I can hopefully be hired on full time after three miserable months of avoiding traffic and not being medicated? I don't think so.

It's weird, though; she's the only recruiter who still calls me randomly and I'm not sure why. I visited six agencies, and most of those bitches stopped calling me after two weeks. But Erica likes to keep in touch, even though she never offers me anything that I'd be remotely interested in. (Her last idea was in the admissions office of an "online" (read: fake) university. In the suburbs.)

I've tried to shake her and I think I finally did it. She emailed me those computer skills assessment tests about a month ago, and I told her that I'd find time to complete them, knowing full well that I had no intention of doing so. I have a Mac and can't load the program at home, and I'll be damned if I'm going to waste my time at work playing around on Excel for a half-hour. That's a whole episode of The Hills I could be watching!

Then she called me last Thursday, but I was hating life and did not want to entertain the idea of temping, so I didn't call her back until yesterday morning. And now Erica hasn't returned my phone call, which in theory should be perfectly fine but in reality pisses me off to no end. She thinks she can ignore me?

In other work news: I have another friend whose job makes me insanely jealous:

I will do anything for free food, but I won't do that.

We're Gen-Xers, really.

Another reason I love my friend Erin.

Would someone like to analyze that one for me?

An excerpt from a GChat conversation.

I love my friend Erin because she has the best way of rationalizing life. For example, this is something she just told me, and it makes absolute sense that this is how she decides how she'd be attracted to someone.

"He's someone I'd make-out with when he was sweaty and smelled like beer, but I couldn't take him seriously sitting on a porch at sunset drinking lemonade."

Obvs.