Yesterday I got an email from Christina saying that she scored two free tickets to Tony and Tina's Wedding and that if I didn't tell her yes right away she was going to find someone else to go with her. I immediately said yes. Free entertainment! Free food! I wasn't doing anything else! Yeah! Tony and Tina's Wedding! Woo!
And then, about two hours later, I realized, "Fuck. I'm going to see Tony and Tina's Wedding tonight." I thought about how I'd be able to get out of it. Should I risk a chilly atmosphere around the apartment for the next couple days? Would Christina hate me?
I went home and waited for Christina to get back from work so we could leave together to make it to the theater by seven. She still hadn't come home by six-thirty, and I thought, "Great! Easy out! There's no way she'll be able to get home, change, and then make it to the theater! Crisis averted!" When she showed up ten minutes before we were supposed to be at the theater, she dashed around the apartment and got ready at lightning speed, which both disappointed and impressed me. (Seriously, she changed into dinner theater attire in like, ten minutes!)
We get to the theater and have to sit in the "cocktail lounge" while the "caterers" walked around and talked to the "guests". Christina and I were already having none of it, and when the "waitress" came by we just ignored her until she walked away to chat with another group. Christina said to me, "Okay, we have to come up with fake names. I'll be Patricia. Who are you?" I answered, "Stuart." So there we were, Patti and Stuart, sitting at a table for two in Vinnie Black's Celebrity Lounge.
Fiiiinally we were escorted in a line in front of the "chapel" and the "wedding party" arrived. That's when I realized that my cover was blown: I KNEW THE "BEST MAN." About a month after we moved here, Janna dated this guy who eventually got a part in the show. (I admit that I sort of knew this before going, but I was really hoping that I was mistaken and he was actually in The Awesome '80s Prom.) I was so taken aback that when the "photographer" approached me and said, "Oh, hey! It's so good to see you! What was your name again?!" I freaked out and told him my real name. And then he made me go up and take a picture with "Tony" and "Barry" (the "best man"). "Barry" recognized me and said, "Oh, Tyler, right? I think I've seen you somewhere!" Hahaha! HAhaha! Oh god. Ha. Haha.
If that didn't kill the experience for me, the non-stop audience participation did. I know that's expected at cheesy dinner theater located above a movie theater, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Christina burned-out on it pretty quickly, too; right before "Tony" read his vows, his "father's" "girlfriend" turned around and told us that afterward we'd all have to stand up and cheer for him. "Pass it on!" she said. Christina just sat there and stared at her. "C'mon, pass it on!" she said. "Nope, it's done," Christina replied.
The rest of the evening was filled with awkward hilarity. The "reception" was pretty goddamn atrocious, considering the food was awful, they charged for WATER, and they made me wear a sailor hat and dance to YMCA. And that, my friends, is pretty goddamn unforgivable.