Thursday, June 01, 2006

An Open Letter to My Left Eye.

Dear Charles,

What up, dawg? No, seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP?

Okay, okay. Let's be civil. I mean, I'll be civil, since you haven't really been so nice to me lately. I mean, just look at yourself. You look like SHIT. And when you look like shit, I look like shit. Come on now, clean yourself up and stop making a TOTAL ASS OUT OF YOURSELF.

So what the hell did I do to you, huh? I've always treated you right! I've avoided sports all of my life. Okay, except for PE and T-Ball, but those weren't my fault. It wasn't MY decision to keep playing T-Ball until I was in FIFTH GRADE. And it sure as hell wasn't my choice to take PE. I tried my best, I really did. Remember the touch football unit WEEK OF HELL back in '97? I got injured every day. Did you get hurt? Nope. It was just the back of my head on that day when Dean pushed me backward into Thurston's front teeth. And hey, remember when Mike Hall stepped on my hand? Just be happy that he didn't step on my FACE. You came out of that unscathed. The rest of me, including my PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES, took a hard beating that week.

And let's not even get into the great volleyball fiasco of '98. Just be glad I didn't serve with my eyes. I think my right forearm is still bruised.

But this letter isn't about my lack of athletic ability, which is a subject I'm sure you'd just LOVE to gab on about. WELL FUCK YOU FOR THAT. THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT. THIS IS ABOUT YOU. YOU AND YOUR STUPID SWELLING AND REDNESS.

I'm SO SORRY that I got suscreen in you. It's not MY fault that I'm either snow-white or lobster-red. I'd much rather be somewhere comfortably in the middle with the rest of White America who look like Abercrombie models but IT'S NOT HAPPENING. I have RED HAIR. Have you ever seen a red head with a tan? Because, really, if you see one, please, point him / her out to me, because then I will know that you're seeing things that don't exist and that you are, in fact, completely BAT SHIT CRAZY. And besides, just because I have red hair does not mean I want the eyes to match. I WANT YOU TO STAY BLUE. OR GREEN DEPENDING ON WHAT COLOR SHIRT I'M WEARING.

I've always been on your side. I mean, suuure, Gustov is slightly stronger than you. Suuure, Gustov has the cooler name. But that doesn't mean I love you any less. Just because you are the cause of my astigmatism doesn't mean I don't CARE ABOUT YOU.

And I'm NOT going to get into another discussion with you about the glasses. I HAVE ASTIGMATISM. You HEARD what Dr. Ryan said. I have astigmatism and that's why I got the glasses. I'll admit that the prescription isn't very strong and YES some people might think I only got glasses for vain reasons, but I can't help that: a. I have a mild case of astigmatism, and b. I think I look more attractive with glasses. The second part just happened to work out nicely for me, so you're just going to have to DEAL WITH IT.

Is this about the Clean and Clear? Is that what it's going to take? HOW MANY TIMES have I told you to NOT FALL FOR THAT COMMERCIAL. It's a BEACHBALL. That's not even a REAL EYE and it's PREPOSTEROUS for ANYONE TO FALL FOR THAT SHIT. BEN STEIN ISN'T EVEN THAT FUNNY IN THOSE COMMERCIALS AND THEY ARE A WASTE OF HIS TALENT AS A COMEDIC GENIUS. I'm going to keep using the Visine and you're going to like it, BITCH.

HOW MANY LATE NIGHTS did I lay in bed with a warm washcloth pressed against you when you had pink eye? DO YOU THINK I WOULD DO THAT IF I DIDN'T LOVE YOU?! Well, NOW I have to sit here with an ICE PACK ON MY FACE to make the swelling go down. I can't imagine that's any better for you. Come on now, let's work together. Let's put all of that IMMATURE SHIT ASIDE and be ADULTS FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.



PS. Thanks for being my excuse for leaving work early today. That was sweet.


nicole said...

1. Stop your crying... my eye is way worse right now! I have a bump on my eye... not my eyelid, my actual EYE! and you don't see me whining about it.

2. I can't believe you used your not-even-puffy-but-has-a-very-faint-hint-of-red-and-dryness eyelid (not eyeball) as an excuse to leave work early!

3. Clean & Clear is a skin cleanser. The Ben Stein commercial you are referring to is for Clear Eyes.

4. I love you.

Amadea said...


My left eye is chronically red and feels distinctly different from the right. it comes and goes by its own whim.

I feel your pain.