I think we have established that my body hates me. This is a goddamn fact. So it really comes as no surprise that today I have a sore throat, a runny nose, and - oh, terrific - my left eye is swollen.
Now, I know that my body isn't used to the sun. One look at my legs will clue you in. They are as white as this blog. But seriously, Me, can't you just NOT GET SICK FROM STANDING IN THE SUN? I drank so much water this weekend, put on sunscreen, wore a goddamn bandana around my forehead to keep the sweat from pouring down my face and into my eyes. I have a distinct line on my forehead now from that bandana. Are you happy, Me? Do you want to look like an asshole with a stupid tan line? Well, congratulations.
And at this point I look up my symptoms on WebMD because it's become so ridiculous. Today it tells me that I have Grave's Disease. Grave's Disease. Because I typed in "swollen eye." I feel like Grave's Disease should probably not be the first article to come up in the "swollen eye" search, but I'm not a doctor, only a hypochondriac, so I don't really know anything.
Speaking of hypochondria, I happened to also look that up on WebMD and found this article. The title is "Internet Makes Hypochondria Worse."
The jokes have started to write themselves.