Wednesday, April 18, 2007

It's only Wednesday and I'm already wading through a sea of assholes.

There's this great scene in Broadcast News where Holly Hunter confronts her boss at a party and tells him he's making a huge professional mistake, basically calling him out for his own misguidedness for rewarding William Hurt's character, a fairly daft, but attractive, news anchor, with a promotion. After her unsolicited advice, he looks at her and says, "It must be nice to always believe you know better, to always think you're the smartest person in the room." She immediately responds, "No. It's awful."

In a seemingly unrelated anecdote (but please, wait for the segue), there's the case of Olivia Palermo, the mediocre New York socialite who sent an unsolicited email to her more famous contemporaries. What looks like a somewhat desperate plea for attention and acceptance from a stupid twenty-something with something to prove (laypersons in the psychology field - specifically, me - might diagnose Olivia with either "a false sense of maturity" or "social retardation") turned to be an embarrassing event when a few of the bitchy socialites, who apparently also consider Olivia to be a social 'tard, sent the email to Socialite Rank, who then published it for all the world (read: the Gawker set) to see. [Disclosure: I wasn't even interested in this story when it first broke because, um, stupid rich bitches? No thank you. But then Olivia Palermo was on Go Fug Yourself and they made an allusion to the "scandal" and I did some research. I just wanted to clear up any suspicions that I sit around reading Socialite Rank at work, because I already had the insufferable misery of having heard an explanation of Edward Said's theories of Orientalism - unsolicited, mind you, which is proving to be the great theme of this post - during my recent break-up, which I now think was actually a half-handed attempt on my ex's part to prove some sort of intellectual superiority, as I, as well as every other third person, was assigned that essay in college, and hearing someone give their own lecture about it is the post-graduate equivalent of your twelfth-grade creative response to Beowulf in which you wrote from Grendel's point of view.]

I'm not even going to think of a creative and witty way to tie those two stories to the catalyst behind this blog post. For the sake of brevity, and you, dear reader, I'm just going to jump right into it.

Last night I received yet another unsolicited email from my ex's ex-boyfriend / BFF, despite my specific instructions for him to NOT email me anymore. I think what motivated the correspondence (other than the underlying "false sense of maturity" and "social retardation") was his assumption that I cannot give up my right to have the last word in the manner. I assume his sophomoric email ("Okay, I won't contact you anymore! I just wanted to tell you this through this email!") was just an effort to incite some sort of response. Which it clearly has, but instead of emailing him back, I'm going to show him that you don't send ridiculous, pretentious emails to someone with a blog, because that person will just make fun of you online. Dumbass.

I'm not going to cut-and-paste the entire email (I've sent it to many friends, who, like me, have LOLed, so you'll just have to take my word that it's one of the funniest things I've ever read), but I will provide you with my favorite passage, or what I'll refer to as, "Stupid Point, number three:"
3. I hope that one day I will no longer be perceived as being "creepy," and that [The Ex] will no longer be perceived as being a "sociopath," and that you can look back on these months you have shared with one another in secret contentedness.
"Secret contentedness?" Who gave Emily Bronte a GMail invite? Or has she just resurrected in the form of a 23-year-old with a soul patch? Either way, I'm not feeling it. (Megan has, so far, had the best reaction to his writing style: "He writes the way I spoke when I moved to the U.S. but I had an excuse because, you know, I'd been going to school with ESL students for 6 years. What's HIS excuse?" Also, should I have made it more clear that I also thought this guy was a sociopath? I think it is now.

Another great part is where he insists that my ex "deeply cared about me" and handled the breakup in the best possible way. I don't know about you guys, but nothing says "best-case scenario" like: "Hey, I've been wanting to break up with you for weeks now but I felt really bad because, like, your DAD has cancer, and I knew that if I broke your heart I'd feel really guilty and stuff. So instead I'll just lead you on, repeatedly telling you that you shouldn't worry about anything and that I have no intention of ending things, all the while insulting you and your family (Your parents didn't give you a check for four thousand dollars just for graduating college after spending about seventy thousand on tuition and expenses for four years? What a couple of cheap motherfuckers!) and ignoring your emotional breakdowns so that you'll eventually get the nerve to want to break up with ME. And when we finally break up, I'll give you several reasons why it ended, specifically: 'You don't eat sushi, and since eating sushi is part of an urban image that I have to maintain, I can't date you' (it's just logic, my dear - don't you agree?), and then I'll explain Edward Said to you because you're too stupid to care about global issues like me. Wait, what do you MEAN you don't want to be FRIENDS?!" SOUNDS LIKE A TERRIFIC PLAN!!

Man, this post not only made me feel even better about burning bridges, but it also made me really pleased with myself. Can it get any better? Well, maybe if you showed me a three-minute video of bunnies hopping around aimlessly!

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