Wednesday, July 04, 2007

It's time to get real, for realsies.

I was going to write a post this afternoon about how I decided today that I need to cut down on my drinking. And then I checked my SiteMeter and found that someone in Chicago found this site by Googling, "Tyler [Redacted] is a drunk." Even though it's most likely someone I know trying to fuck with my head, it pretty much solidified my decision.

I'm not giving up alcohol because I feel like I'm an alcoholic or anything. My major reason is that I've been spending and ungodly amount of money lately on booze. And I've been going out on weekdays and not getting any sleep. Also, I've been making bad choices.

I've been going out and dancing, which has been great because dancing puts me in an excellent mood. The problem, however, is that dancing is usually coupled with heavy drinking. At this point I've stopped wearing my glasses because I have a history of shaking my head so much they fly off of my face. (This is probably an example of treating a symptom instead of the disease.) And, let's face it: when I get drunk and start dancing, I inevitably find myself in a makey-outy kinda mood. And I've made out with someone three out of the five times I've been dancing in the last two weeks. This is all fun and games at the time, of course, because kissing is fun! And I like feeling attractive, which heretofore hasn't really happened to me. I still kind of freak out if someone calls me "cute" or "hot," because I've never had anyone call me that, and I'm not exactly sure what changed. (Definitely not my arms! Or my FACE.)

And last night I made a mistake by making out with someone whom a friend was interested in. Things are kind of hazy, but I believe I said, "Bros before hos!" But after I was making flirty eyes and getting flirty eyes back, I said in my head: "Hos! Hos!" And while dancing with Flirty Eyes, I saw my friends leaving without saying goodbye. And I'm new to the whole meeting people in bars and making out with them thing, but I'm fairly certain that the people with whom you came to the bar don't just leave you there. And I immediately felt awful, knowing that I'd rather be hanging out with the people I know I like than making-out with someone I don't know.

I've felt kind of shitty all day because of last night (and my hangover) and I've been doing a lot of thinking, trying to figure out why, all of a sudden, I've become this selfish person who keeps treating people horribly. I've been fucked-over so many times in my life, and I know how shitty that feels. And I HATE myself for being so selfish. I'm not the type of person who can just live my life without a thought of how my actions affect make the people I with whom I surround myself (and these are people I honestly and truly care for and consider friends). And I feel awful because I'm already in a sort-of undefined relationship that's based mostly on drinking, making-out, and GChat. And I feel like I'm the one who has to come up with these definitions, and that freaks me out. The only real decisions I can make right now are what kind of gin I want mixed with tonic (well gin) and what kind of beer I'm going to order (whatever is two dollars, which usually turns out to be Bud or Miller Lite).

And (I hate to do this, but all roads seem to lead back here lately because I'm obviously not over that mess) I keep thinking about the Ex and how fucked up that whole situation made, and still makes, me feel. I keep remember things and realizing that I made the right decision by cutting it from my life completely. But I keep thinking that I'm becoming just as selfish and, well, mean. I was so frustrated about how things were undefined for so long, and how I was led-on and lied to prevent my feelings from being hurt. Yet I find myself doing that now in similar situations, and it pisses me off. It really pisses me off that I keep finding myself unable to make decisions instead of just saying how I feel. It's a confusing time for me, and I think I've been drinking so much because I can just forget everything that I'm so concerned about for a few hours. And that's not a good plan.

My plan for the weekend, so far, is this: Justin and Katy are going out of town and leaving me in charge of feeding their cat for a week, and I'm going to just move into their apartment for a weekend and cut everything out for a while. I'll be in Edgewater instead of Lakeview and won't have the convenience of my local and regular haunts being walking-distance from me. And I plan to just relax by myself for a bit. I want to finish The Secret History and finally watch Oldboy, which I've had from Netflix since May 15th. I need the time away from other people and situations that get me into trouble - or at least make me feel less about myself. Hopefully it'll do me some good and I can figure out somethings. And at worst it just means I'll spend a lot of time with a cute kitten, taking pictures and adding captions for my LOLcats collection.

9 comments:

elizabeth said...

Good decision. Your next challenge will be to spend time with people without being drunk, and then to actually believe someone will want you without being drunk. Scary shit. I won't claim to have achieved either, but I wish you well.

LarLarStinx said...

we need to have, like, a real conversation soon. i miss your crazy life.
also, come to harrisonburg. we dont drink here!

BG5000 said...

I think all the Ayn Rand you've been reading is the real cause of all this.

katy said...

I told you a long time ago you needed a snuggle cat to make things better.

each of the two said...

if you ever want a crazy fucked up Ex story, i got a doosy. maybe i will blog is for you...


oh and to save money and yet still booze it up, i get others to buy me drinks, with my cleavage, but i'm a chick and somehow that works. (try gay bars! you're cute!)

Dollly Parton's character from Straight Talk said...

Its not mean to cut toxic people out of your life, its smart. You think you don't want drama but you secretly do. So if that's what you want then go for it! And hate/love every minute of it!

Jenny said...

"...all of a sudden, I've become this selfish person who keeps treating people horribly. I've been fucked-over so many times in my life, and I know how shitty that feels. And I HATE myself for being so selfish."

I totally hear ya there. I try to justify this behavior by thinking "I'm young, I'm allowed to make mistakes/bad decisions"

I wish you luck with sobriety, I've never been able to last very long...

Also, your blog is my favorite thing to do at work. Not that I "do" your blog but you know what I mean...

a girl you know said...

You absolutely have to finish The Secret History. Do it.

imratherawesome said...

So random, I thought I made up the phrase for realsies, and I just googled it and found some people using it. Since we're both from Chicago I guess it's still possible I made it up and it has reached you. But since it's sort of an easy thing to make up, it's probably been said many times and I was just wondering where you picked it up.