Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Computers are gayballs.

Oh, iBook. You so crazy.

So I called Apple's support line last night after again trying unsuccessfully to turn my computer on by simply holding the power button. I wasn't on hold too long, surprisingly, before "Glenn" picked up and started assisting me.

Basically, I proved that not only am I incompetent with computers, but I'm also incompetent with life. When Glenn asked me my first name, I thought for a second and said, "John," thinking that I would have the computer registered under my full name. Then he asked for my phone number, and I gave him my parents' number, which didn't bring up my record. After giving him my cell phone number, he says, "Uh, okay...I have a record under the name Tyler?"

"Oh. Yeah, that's me. Sorry." I think tried to explain how I go by Tyler but my first name is John, but it was much too complicated for him so he just said, "Ok, John, once the correct window comes up I'll be able to help you."

So then I sit there on the phone with Glenn in silence for five minutes. Literally five minutes. I started walking around my room and dusting, then picking up clothes and folding them. I could hear other Apple employees in the background on the phone with other disgruntled Apple customers, one girl in particular who kept saying, "I honestly don't know the answer to that, actually." Surprise!

Finally, Glenn asks, "Still there?"

"Yup." He asks me for the serial number, so I pull open the keyboard and give it to him. Then he asks, "Ok, John, what can I help you with today?"

"Well, Glenn, my computer cut off last night and now it won't come back on."

"Oh..." he responded, rather taken aback, as if this was the first "My computer died" he had heard in his whole two weeks at the support line. "So, what happens when you press the power button?"

The power button?! Oh, I hadn't thought of that! I sighed and said, "Well, nothing, I tried that," while casually pressing the button for my own sake. But of course, the computer beeped in response, awake from its slumber.

"Oh," I said. "Uh, it just turned on." Glenn laughed.

Even though I was proven a dumbass while on the phone with the guy whose brilliant response was, "Try pressing the power button," I was ecstatic to have my computer back.

Even though that only lasted for a few hours before it turned off again.


Instead of calling Apple back, I decided that I must be doing something wrong. Since what seemed to cure it the first time was pulling the keyboard off, I did that, and then did the old Nintendo trick: I blew on it. And guess what? The computer turned back on. Yay! My computer isn't dead after all! I was ecstatic again!

For ten minutes. Then it turned off again. Sigh.

Fuck you, Apple.


Anonymous said...

please, blow on your vagina a little more while you're at it.

Tyler said...

Kevin, do you think I can't tell who leaves me anonymous comments? I only know so many people in Washington, DC who would be on a computer owned by the General Services Administration. GAY.

Anonymous said...

zing. busted.

Christina said...

Part of me is weirded out that you can know that, and wished that you could be anonymous to leave douchebag comments on people's blogs, however in this case, the result was hilarious, so I'm glad.

Anonymous said...

Part of me doesn't care about your jovility, because I enjoy being a douchebag and not being stuck in Danville.