I'm not the type of guy who writes a lot of fan mail. In fact, the last fan letter I wrote was to Stephen King, and I was in sixth grade. (This probably means nothing to you since my guess is that you don't do a lot of reading in your spare time.) Basically, I'm writing to you because, honestly, there isn't a celebrity right now who blows my mind as much as you do. Because, seriously, when I see stuff like this, my brain just stops functioning.
Sometimes I think, "Man, it's weird that John Q. Celebrity is probably living their life right now. I wonder if he's doing something superstar-like or if he's doing something a normal person would do, like walking his dog or taking out the trash." Luckily for people like me, there's VH1, but, honestly, I rarely find myself wondering, "Hey, I wonder what Hulk Hogan's son is doing right now." This morning, after reading about how you injected heroin into the arm of a random, passed-out fan, I thought to myself, "What is Pete Doherty doing right now?" My guess is that you're probably also passed-out, or being arrested. Do you have a dog? Do you ever take out the trash? Or do you just go through your neighbors' trash? What's it like being you?
And seriously, what's it like to be a rich junkie? I've seen crackheads on the El train, and they look about as fucked up as you, but I don't think they do anything other than ride the CTA and scare the shit out of tourists. I mean, what do you do? Only about one hundred people listen to your music. You get arrested every other day. I mean, do you literally spend every day high as hell and fucking around on an electric guitar? Really? I mean, I know that you're not taking showers or brushing your teeth. Are you having sex with overrated supermodels? I. just. don't. understand.
The last part of this letter is a request, really, and it's not just a personal thing because I think a lot of people would also benefit from this. Will you please date Courtney Love? Please? I can't think of another amazing celebrity pairing. Seriously, a very public relationship between you and Courtney would keep me interested. Fuck TomKat. Bradgelina? No thanks, they're too busy raising eight kids. Vaughnifer? That just doesn't make any sense. You and Courtney (or, Courtherty)? Perfect. Think of the possibilities! No one else loves heroin more than Courtney. You could tour together and put on amazing
Seriously, Pete, will you consider this? I'm sure Courtney would be up for it. And really, the coupling would make life much more exciting for the three of us.