Friday, April 28, 2006

An open letter to Pete Doherty.

Dear Pete,

I'm not the type of guy who writes a lot of fan mail. In fact, the last fan letter I wrote was to Stephen King, and I was in sixth grade. (This probably means nothing to you since my guess is that you don't do a lot of reading in your spare time.) Basically, I'm writing to you because, honestly, there isn't a celebrity right now who blows my mind as much as you do. Because, seriously, when I see stuff like this, my brain just stops functioning.

Sometimes I think, "Man, it's weird that John Q. Celebrity is probably living their life right now. I wonder if he's doing something superstar-like or if he's doing something a normal person would do, like walking his dog or taking out the trash." Luckily for people like me, there's VH1, but, honestly, I rarely find myself wondering, "Hey, I wonder what Hulk Hogan's son is doing right now." This morning, after reading about how you injected heroin into the arm of a random, passed-out fan, I thought to myself, "What is Pete Doherty doing right now?" My guess is that you're probably also passed-out, or being arrested. Do you have a dog? Do you ever take out the trash? Or do you just go through your neighbors' trash? What's it like being you?

And seriously, what's it like to be a rich junkie? I've seen crackheads on the El train, and they look about as fucked up as you, but I don't think they do anything other than ride the CTA and scare the shit out of tourists. I mean, what do you do? Only about one hundred people listen to your music. You get arrested every other day. I mean, do you literally spend every day high as hell and fucking around on an electric guitar? Really? I mean, I know that you're not taking showers or brushing your teeth. Are you having sex with overrated supermodels? I. just. don't. understand.

The last part of this letter is a request, really, and it's not just a personal thing because I think a lot of people would also benefit from this. Will you please date Courtney Love? Please? I can't think of another amazing celebrity pairing. Seriously, a very public relationship between you and Courtney would keep me interested. Fuck TomKat. Bradgelina? No thanks, they're too busy raising eight kids. Vaughnifer? That just doesn't make any sense. You and Courtney (or, Courtherty)? Perfect. Think of the possibilities! No one else loves heroin more than Courtney. You could tour together and put on amazing shows stunts that will go down in rock and roll history. You could show up to award shows and try to converse with Pat O'Brien and Joan Rivers. And could you find anyone else who is willing to have horrible, drugged-out sexual intercourse with you? No! Courtney is USED to horrible, drugged-out intercourse!

Seriously, Pete, will you consider this? I'm sure Courtney would be up for it. And really, the coupling would make life much more exciting for the three of us.



Christina said...

I can't decide if I like babydoll slip wearing, bruised, drugged out, punkrock Courtney more, or post glam, way too much collagen, puking in family court Courtney. They're both so charming in their own ways.

monocerdo said...

I think that when you're as strung out as Pete Doherty and Courtney Love, you kind of have to skimp on the personal hygiene to save up for the three pounds of heroin you need to shoot just to remain upright.

Also, if Hole and the Babyteeth or whatever his band is got together, you know all they'd do is play one Velvet Underground cover and then vomit on the audience before having thirty-seconds worth of disgusting sex on stage. Next week, at the Metro!

meg said...

i'm going to say it: i actually like courtney love.

one album is enough!

Kelly said...

viva la courtney!

Joey said...

what fuckin´ kind of a loser are you? Who gives a fuck about Pete´s private life, when him and Barat are the most awesome musicians in the world? As I rate you, loser, you probably listen to this childish R´n´B "music" and think this Beyonce knowles, or whatever you spell that whore, is a good singer? Luckily, there´s VH1, eh? Get a life, mate. With regards from Birmingham.

Anonymous said...

Good point, Joey. While I understand the point of the blog (Pete's behavior is awfully ridiculous), Pete and Carl make brilliant music together. I'm pretty sure there are more than a hundred people on the planet that know this :)