Monday, May 29, 2006

This is Memorial Day Weekend in the Midwest.

It's been a crazy weekend, and I'm so glad I have an extra day to not working and catch up with my vida loca. For the sake of space, and the sake of our precious, precious time on this good earth (seriously, would you like to spend less time reading blogs? I know I would), this is going to be (relatively) short in my old-fashioned "let's sum my entire life up in a list" kind of way.

1. Got off of work at three when boss emailed the office saying, "Go home." To celebrate, I called Kristin and say, "Come get drunk with me outside."

2. Kristin I go to Roscoe Village, which used to be cute and charming and is now some sort of epicenter for Evil. If you're reading this, David Lynch, I'd like to take this opportunity to say that you should film your next project in Roscoe Village. For the same of space and time, I'm going to make a list-with-a-list of some of the things that we saw in the span of two hours:
a. A crazy drunk Midwestern thirty-something (way too many adjectives!) woman who kept begging her friend to call "Taaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhddddddddd." When her friend did not call Todd, she turned to a baby that was sitting in the stroller next to the table behind her and said, "You're a cutie! What's your name?! How old are you?" and ignoring the father who actually responded to her questions.
b. The largest dog in the world, which sat next to the table behind me and, of course, smacked the hell out of my leg with its massive tail. Repeatedly. Also, his owner's wife's face looked like a frog that had been hit by a car. That's the only way I can describe that lady's mug.
c. The worst parenting skills ever, displayed by a woman with two boys under ten. While the older boy attempted to scale the side of the bar, the younger boy threw an ashtray, a stick, and ice (which he would put in his mouth first, of course) at a red car that was parked at the curb next to their table. I thought it was disgusting when he put his mouth around the top bar of the metal fence enclosing the outdoor seating area, but then I watched him eat a cup of sour cream with a fork (I thought it was ice cream at first). We left as they were leaving, and the younger boy plowed into Kristin on his ticycle.

1. I saw a new apartment and put down the money for the credit check and application fee. I'm incredibly excited about this.

2. Went to the beach with Julia, Kristin, and Dan and, as I expected, was hit in the head with a frisbee within the first five minutes.

3. At the beach I think I got sunscreen in my eye, thus making my top left eyelid swell and redden. It doesn't hurt and it doesn't itch, it just feels fat. I'm 100% this is because of the sunscreen, but I'm not ruling out ocular herpes basically because I'm a hypochondriac (self-diagnosed). I'm pretty sure that you'd get ocular herpes from activities I have not participated in, and I'm betting it doesn't just make your eye swell up, but hey, it's scary and I don't want it and, seriously, WHY IS MY EYE RED AND SWELLING?!

1. Memorial Day barbecue in Evanston!

2. Kristin drove us to Evanston and Google maps gave us this roundabout route. But hey, we got to see Skokie for the first time!

3. Even though I didn't think it was physiologically possible to get drunk in the daytime, apparently you can if you drink seven warm Rolling Rocks.

4. I played Cornhole for the first time. (For those of you not in Chicago or Ohio, I Googled pictures of it so you wouldn't have to.) I didn't realize this game was called "Cornhole" until this week. I just referred to it as "Midwestern Horseshoes," since it's what the fratty guys in Wrigleyville play all day long every weekend. Whatever you call it, I played it. For five minutes. Then I got bored because it's basically tossing bean bags at a whole in a wedge.

5. On the way home I accidentally insulted a girl when I said, "Why is that girl wearing cargo shorts?" I had just loudly observed a bunch of people five minutes earlier. Those people didn't hear me. Kristin yelled at me and say that everyone always hear me when I loudly make fun of them in public. I said that they don't because someone would have said something back to me. We came to an intersection as we were arguing this, and across the street in front of us walked two guys and the girl with the shorts. Kristin said, "Well, why don't you insult these people then?" I said, "Uh, why is that girl wearing cargo shorts?" because there really was nothing wrong with any of them and I was trying to prove my point anyway so it didn't matter. And of course the girl heard me and turned around and made a gesture at the car.

So there you have it, MD 2K6. It's so cray-cray.

PS. Here's an update on the Eagle Scout project / rocket ship / dog house / replica of the clocktower from Back to the Future that the kid is STILL BUILDING behind my house. (Sorry about the weird glare in the picture.)

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